Allegation: I gaslighted Y after our relationship ended

There is no evidence of gaslighting in any of my communication with Y. LLM analysis found four instances of potential dismissive contradiction or minimization. In my opinion, these four instances do not show substantive evidence of this. All four conversations have been faithfully reproduced so that you can form your own independent interpretation. I have shared one further conversation with Y, in which I give her advice, and which would appear inconsistent with her allegation that I gaslighted her.

A Possible Explanation

I do not believe that any of my communications with Y came close to gaslighting. However, I disagreed with her on some matters.

Instead, the accusation that I gaslighted her appears to me to be a convenient way to explain why she remained friends with me—an incontrovertible fact, evident from our extensive communication for six months after our relationship—despite her claim that the days we spent together in Berlin were “horrifying”. If she had gone through a “horrifying” experience, it would be difficult to explain her subsequent interactions with me. But she reconciles this apparent inconsistency with the claim of gaslighting: that—if taken literally—I had successfully convinced her of a different reality.

I maintained friendship with him for a few months after May, because I was gaslighted and convinced that it was all consensual and I didn’t want to “make a big scene” like he accused me of. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

Regret and Resolution

I ended my relationship with Y because I knew that it had no chance of becoming a long-term success. I saw several “red flags” relating to Y’s character during the time we stayed together in Berlin, and it became clear to me that I no longer wanted a relationship with her.

I never explained my reasons to Y, except to tell her that I did not think we could have a successful long-term relationship. I was sure that she would not be happy to hear the reasons, and that they might upset her. There was nothing she could have done to change my mind, and I did not want her to try to “negotiate” on the basis of my reasons.

I could elaborate here, but it would be unnecessary and unkind to share them. However, I can categorically say that my reasons had nothing to do with our intimacy, and nothing to do with any other person.

I felt a sense of shame about having made a conscious decision to enter into the relationship with Y. It had been my choice as much as it had been hers, and I could have stopped myself. I had thought—for a long time—about the significance of the age difference between us, and I suspected that it might represent too great a gap in maturity and experience; and despite this I had carried on. I knew this was a mistake I should have avoided.

I’m not the first person to make the same choice between conflicting signals from my brain and my heart, and I won’t be the last. But I was embarrassed that I didn’t foresee the likely outcome.

Having realised my mistake and regretted my mistake, I resolved to do my best to rectify my mistake by supporting her, guiding her, advising her and helping her in any way she wanted. This also included tolerating her at times when I thought she was unfair.

I knew that I had made Y unhappy. But there was no better way to remedy my own guilt about the relationship than to remedy her anguish. I believed that the best way to do this was with actions rather than words. I was never motivated to gaslight, manipulate or deceive Y in any way. Far from it: I wanted her to get over me and get on with her life.

Gaslighting

Y refers to gaslighting five times in her statement. The definition of gaslighting is the manipulation of someone into questioning their perception of reality.

I was heavily gaslighted to invalidate my memories. The stories he presented were always very different from what I remembered. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

This definition, from psychology, refers to a particularly insidious kind of manipulation that’s a conscious action on the part of the manipulator, with the intent to cause the victim to doubt their perception of reality. I did not gaslight Y by this definition.

But Y may not have fully understood the meaning of gaslighting when she wrote it, and may have intended to use the word in one of its weaker senses: dismissive contradiction, actively rejecting something she believed to be true; or minimization, making her feel like her concerns were exaggerated, invalid, or that she was overreacting.

I did disagree with Y on a number of occasions. And I did try to persuade her that she did not need to worry about some of the things she was worried about. But I gave her my advice in good faith.

Instead of trying to demonstrate things I didn’t say to Y, I will first share something I did say. I feel that it better reflects the kindness I showed her after our relationship, and shows the inconsistency with her allegation that I gaslighted her.

Scope

After I ended our relationship, we spent the remaining few days together in Berlin. After this, we continued to exchange messages and speak on the phone. We exchanged 7206 messages in the period from 23 May 2018 until 19 November 2018, when Y asked me to stop communicating with her.

Following our relationship, over the next six months, Y and I met again at LX Scala in Lisbon, Scala Days in New York, LambdaDays in Seattle and Scale by the Bay in San Francisco. At all except the last of these, Y and I talked privately, deeply and at length. On each occasion we talked at her request. Y cried during the conversations in New York and Seattle. We only spoke only briefly in San Francisco. I gave my time to listen to her, and I felt this was the appropriate thing to do after she had expressed that she wanted to talk.

It is during this period of six months that any gaslighting would have happened. Besides the face-to-face conversations in Lisbon, New York and Seattle—the content of which I have no concrete record—our entire communication was conducted on Facebook Messenger.

A Conversation

On 16 August 2018, Y told me she was “confused and exhausted” and was finding it hard to make a decision about whether to take a job in Seattle or San Francisco.

This is one of the last times I gave Y advice.

Note that my longer, final message was sent nearly two weeks later, and may have arrived too late to help Y make her decision. I had been too busy to write it immediately, but I did not forget. Y did not ever reply to my message, and we next spoke on 16 September 2018. She told me that she didn’t appreciate the message because it was too late.

Possible Gaslighting Incidents

I asked ChatGPT 5 to try to find evidence of behavior which could have been described as “gaslighting”, taking a liberal interpretation of the word. It found four possible occurrences over the six months, on 27 and 29 May, 23 June and 5 August 2018.

27 May 2018

On 27 May 2018, I tease Y about being “emotional”. I believe that this was in keeping with the tone of our conversation. But she could have interpreted my use of humor as dismissing her legitimate concerns.

29 May 2018

Two days later, during a conversation on 29 May 2018, Y said that she feels that our conversations and my humor have “dried up” and that I had ignored her.

I reply sarcastically by saying “uh-huh”, challenge her choice of words, then suggest her perception is ”exaggerated”. This may not have been most helpful for her at that time, and there are ways in which I could have been more understanding.

Shortly afterwards, Y explained that she was concerned that her visa to travel to Portugal for LX Scala would not be granted. I offered to help by sending an email to the organizers.

Here is the email I sent.

Email from me to LX Scala organizers asking for help with Y's visa

I felt that it was more important to demonstrate good intent with actions rather than my words, which I kept lighthearted.

23 June 2018

On 23 June 2018, following our meeting in New York, I jokingly cast doubt on the consistency of Y’s feelings.

Again, I tried to make light of the situation, but it probably did not help.

5 August 2018

On 5 August 2018, Y and I had a long conversation in which she wanted me to talk about my ex-girlfriend, V.

I felt that Y’s questioning turned sinister when she asked if I had thought about my ex-girlfriend when we (Y and I) had been having sex. I started to try to deter her from this line of questioning. My answer was “no”, but her questioning made me clearly irritated, and I accused her of framing unfair questions.

(Note that during the conversation, Y makes some unrelated comments about software—Bloop, Kaleidoscope and Make—which I ignore, and are included for completeness.)

Several hours later, I replied to her two questions:

1. What is the reason I don’t want to stop talking to Y?

2. Why does Y always have to initiate conversations with me?

Y did not respond to these answers. In my next message, about 14 hours later, I sent her a photo of Lake Como, to which she reacted with the “smiling face with heart-eyes” emoji.

He mentioned that he didn’t want me to stop talking to him because he thought that I “can become successful and valuable in this field” and that he had a lot to offer. I felt threatened mentally and physically. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

In her publication, Y described that, after my first answer, she felt “threatened mentally and physically”. However my message was sincere. It was taken out of context, and by giving it new context, was insinuated to mean something different.

During my conversations with Y after our relationship, I believe that I treated her with respect and kindness, while maintaining the same friendly joking tone we had always used with each other. There are times when I could have responded better. But it was never my intention to manipulate or undermine her.

Clarifications

21 August 2025 The email relating to Y’s visa application, dated 29 May, was incorrectly placed in the section dated 27 May. This has now been corrected.

My Request

If you signed the Open Letter in 2021 because you found Y’s publication compelling, please reconsider her words in light of the evidence above.

Her post was hugely damaging to me. The complete absence of due process meant that none of her claims were ever verified with me before they were published.

If, like many others, you feel like justice may not have been rightly served, you can make a meaningful step towards helping me get my life back by removing your name. I am grateful for your consideration.

❧

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