Allegation: I bragged about close interactions with “at least ten women in the Scala community”, specifically “coffee, dates, kisses, and sex”

The claim that I had “close interactions” with at least ten women in the Scala community is not true. The claim that I bragged about doing so is also untrue. I did not do it, talk about it, boast about it, or imply it in any other way.

However I recall telling Y that in my entire life I had probably been on romantic dates with “about ten women”. This was response to her asking a specific question about how many. There was no suggestion that those women were in the Scala community. There was no room for Y to have misunderstood what I said because I clarified this point to her. Nothing about the way I said it suggested “bragging”.

He bragged to me about close interactions with at least ten women in the Scala community: coffee, dates, kisses, and sex. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

It was only alleged that I bragged about such interactions with at least ten women, however it is likely that most readers would also infer that the interactions had indeed happened.

The allegation adds color to the false idea that I “pursued” several women in the Scala community for romance or sex. It suggests that it happened often, and it suggests that I did it habitually. Given that the Scala community has historically had so few female members, it also suggests that I had such interactions with a significant proportion of the women in the community.

None of this is true.

Even if it had been true that I had romantic interactions with ten or more women from the Scala community, I would not wish to brag or boast about it. I would not see it as a virtue in myself or in anyone else.

Past Relationships

I can be very precise about the relationships I had before Y. For relevancy, I will describe the decade before my relationship with Y because this coincides with my public involvement with Scala.

Between 2008 and my relationship with Y in 2018, I had three sexual relationships. The longest, with V, lasted 20 months; another lasted seven months; and the shortest was eight days and might be best described as a “rebound relationship”. All were exclusive. Each started with the hope that it would become long-term. None of these three women is or ever was a member of the Scala community.

Moreover, I did not have any other sexual encounters besides these three relationships with women inside or outside of the Scala community. During the remaining seven years and eight months of this period, I was single and not sexually active.

I had one further romantic, non-sexual relationship with a woman who was a Scala developer between October and December 2013. We went on several dates to restaurants. We did not continue the relationship but remained friends for several years afterwards.

To be clear, these are not just “the ones I wish to remember”. This is an exhaustive list of all relationships and romantic interactions with other women in the decade preceding my relationship with Y. There were no others. If there is any suggestion that I had another relationship with another woman in this time period, that suggestion is false, and I will happily provide any evidence I can to show that.

Kiss

In 2018, before my relationship with Y, I shared a single kiss with another woman (who should remain anonymous) who was in the Scala community.

I asked her to briefly describe what happened for inclusion in this post. She wanted her own words to be quoted, and I did not influence them (except to suggest a number of words). This is her response, which I have not edited:

I liked him because I saw how kind he was and that he had empathy. In 2018, I started having feelings for him and I approached him to express that. We kissed, and for a short time we got physically close, but we didn’t go further. I told him we shouldn’t, even though I was the one who wanted it at first. We stopped right away and took distance. He never used my weaknesses or feelings to do more. I moved on and was able to continue our friendship and he has always been respectful to me and never did anything inappropriate.

I am aware that I may have unconsciously encouraged her feelings towards me, and I am aware that my reciprocation to her kiss was a lapse in my judgement. However, the entire incident did not last more than five minutes. There was no repeat, and there was no lasting tension between us. It has had no bearing on our long-term friendship.

Apart from the aforementioned instances, I did not kiss any other women inside or outside the Scala community in the ten years before my relationship with Y.

Coffee and Dinner

I had coffee at least twice and dinner at least three times, alone, with female members of the Scala community. There may have been other occasions I have simply forgotten.

These were categorically not dates. Neither I nor the woman in each case was under any illusion that they were dates; nor did I wish them to be. I did have a professional interest in encouraging women to speak at my conference, but this was only sometimes a basis for a conversation: usually they were just friends I was happy to meet.

Without naming the women, these were: dinner on 10 March 2018 in Cambridge, dinner on 16 May 2018 in Berlin (during Scala Days), coffee on 21 February 2019 in Kraków, dinner on 15 April 2019 in Kraków and coffee on 20 May 2019 in Sydney. All five were with different women; all five were Scala developers; none were romantic; none had any pretence or aspiration of romance.

The Number “Ten”

Y’s claim is oddly specific about the number of women involved as “at least ten”. I believe that this could be because I made a similar but different claim to her, during a face-to-face conversation in Berlin during our relationship in May 2018.

My recollection of that conversation is that Y asked me how many dates I had been on. I did not like the question because she seemed to want to compare or assess me based on a number. I asked her to clarify whether she meant just those times where, by some circumstance, I ate dinner with a woman, or if she meant a date that was clearly recognized as such by me and the woman. She confirmed the latter.

I hadn’t been counting, and I couldn’t think of more than a handful of occasions, apart from times where the woman had been my girlfriend at the time. I had never used online dating. So I presumed there were some other occasions I had forgotten, and said that there were “about ten” occasions in my entire life where I had been on a date with another woman where we both saw it as a date. I did not say “at least ten”.

This is the only relevant source I can recall for the number ten. It did not apply to the Scala community. There was no context to the conversation that suggested my answer refered to women in the Scala community. Furthermore, my claim applied only to dates or coffee, and not kisses or sex.

Openness

I was open with Y about my past relationships. She was inquisitive, and I was willing to share and reflect upon them. I did not feel like there was any reason to conceal details of past relationships, and I didn’t want to try to maintain any kind of pretence that they hadn’t happened.

Through our conversations over several months, Y was aware of my relationship with V. She was aware of my non-sexual relationship in 2013. She was aware of the kiss I shared in 2018.

There is no way of counting that could arrive at the number “ten” to describe my past interactions with women in the Scala community.

My Request

If you signed the Open Letter in 2021 because you found Y’s publication compelling, please reconsider her words in light of the evidence above.

Her post was hugely damaging to me. The complete absence of due process meant that none of her claims were ever verified with me before they were published.

If, like many others, you feel like justice may not have been rightly served, you can make a meaningful step towards helping me get my life back by removing your name. I am grateful for your consideration.

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