Allegation: I never showed any remorse, sympathy or guilt to Y.

I showed remorse and sympathy to Y, but she may not have been perceptive to it. We met and talked in depth on three occasions following our relationship. I felt responsible for my part in starting the relationship, and responsible for the hurt she felt when I ended it, and I apologized for this. Y did not accept my apology.

I did confront him before. However, he simply twisted what happened as described above. He has shown me no remorse, sympathy, or guilt. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

Following our relationship, which ended on or around 17 May 2018, Y and I remained friends for six months. We exchanged 7207 messages, and had phone calls lasting nearly six hours.

I maintained friendship with him for a few months after May, because I was gaslighted and convinced that it was all consensual and I didn’t want to “make a big scene” like he accused me of. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

Y and I were both present at four conferences held in Lisbon, New York, Seattle and San Francisco over this time period, and we spoke on all four occasions.

We stopped speaking at Y’s request on 19 November 2018. Following this, we were both present at a conference in Philadelphia in April 2019 and another in Oakland in November 2019.

At three of these conferences, Y asked to talk to me, indicating clearly that she wanted a deep, personal and private chat. I agreed on each occasion.

Six “Incidents”

Y describes six occasions which she calls “incidents”, though the label is misleading given that I did my best to act normally on every occasion. I will use the word encounter to describe them.

Y’s narrative describes the six encounters immediately after she describes her request that she and I cease contact on all forms of communication. That request happened in a phone call on 19 November 2018, but she does not specify this.

Given the order of her narrative, most readers would understand that the six encounters all happened after she made her request. However, four of them happened before this and only two happened after. This cannot be inferred from her narrative, and most readers would probably assume all six encounters happened in breach of her request.

The first encounter, which can be identified by the direct quote it includes, was not an in-person encounter, but one message in an online conversation we had on 6 August 2018. This is one of over seven thousand messages we exchanged after our relationship ended. It is not clear why it has been described alongside the other five in-person encounters.

He mentioned that he didn’t want me to stop talking to him because he thought that I “can become successful and valuable in this field” and that he had a lot to offer. I felt threatened mentally and physically. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

I have already described the full context that led to my quote. The intent of my comment—and in my opinion, the only natural interpretation in the context I said it—was to encourage Y. Nothing about this comment had any intent to threaten Y mentally or physically, and such an interpretation is hard for me to comprehend.

Lisbon, 8 June 2018

The day before the LX Scala conference in Lisbon, Y messaged me to ask if we could have a chat. We did not find time to talk during the event itself, so we agreed to try to find a time afterwards.

I was very tired at the event due to not having had enough sleep over the previous days, and I wanted to go to bed early, particularly because I had to leave at 4am for a flight the following morning.

Having not found time to speak to Y at the venue, she messaged me at 12.30am on the night afterwards. Since I was awake then, I said she could come to my hotel room (since we were staying in the same hotel). I was already in bed.

She came, and lay next to me on top of the bedcover, and we talked. She told me that she accepted my decision not to continue our relationship. She told me she did not understand why the relationship had ended. I did not give her a reason, but I told her I was sorry for starting it. She was clearly upset, and cried.

She stayed for around an hour. While she was talking, I kept falling asleep, and after some time we hugged and she left.

A day later we exchanged some messages.

I stopped replying at this point because I was eating, while Y continues. Note that Y cites two earlier messages (one mine; one hers) by placing them in quotes.

Several hours later, I made reference to the “big scene” that Y said I accused her of in her publication three years later.

I did not intend to sound accusational in describing it as a “big scene”, and the description is not especially apt, since only Y and I were present. I have already described the interaction I was referring to.

I found Y’s messages, which restated some of the things she had said the previous night, kind and generous. I felt almost embarrassed to hear them, and immodest to accept them without questioning them.

New York, 20 June 2018

Before we arrived in New York for Scala Days, Y had invited me to meet her before the conference and walk across the Brooklyn Bridge with her. I would have joined her, but I didn’t have enough time.

However, while I was talking to another female Scala developer at the conference, Y walked up to us and interrupted us. It was clear she was angry at me. I resolved her anger by agreeing to spend some time talking to her alone. I do not remember which of us suggested this, but I was happy to.

We agreed a time, and went for a walk in Central Park (which was near the conference venue) for 1 hour, 20 minutes on the afternoon of the second day. We walked around the south end of the park and talked.

Y made it clear to me she was finding our breakup difficult. She became tearful at one point. It was evident to me that her mood was worse than it had been in Lisbon, just over a week earlier. She wanted to know if there was any chance we could try again. I told her there wasn’t, and apologised for my part in starting the relationship.

Towards the end of our walk, and at her request I took some photos for her beside The Pond in Central Park, and then we went back to the conference venue. To the best of my recollection, we left Central Park separately.

Second “Incident”, 17 September 2018

When I encountered Y for the first time at Lambda World in Seattle on 17 September 2018, I approached her, and went to hug her. Y did not reciprocate the hug, and stood rigidly without moving her arms.

He forced me to hug him at Lambda World 2018. (Susan Potter witnessed this.) He said he knew that he wouldn’t get into trouble doing that because I also hugged other people who were my friends. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

I was surprised by her reaction. We had hugged on every previous occasion we had met, and it was the affectionate way she greeted almost everyone I had seen her meet. Furthermore, the conference was organized by 47 Degrees, who had established such a reputation for friendliness that a cartoonist parodied them hugging a visitor to their office. Before I saw Y, I had already hugged several of my friends at that event, so hugging her when I saw her was the obvious and natural way to greet her.

I withdrew and asked Y why she did not want to hug me. Y told me that she only hugs her friends, thereby suggesting that she no longer considered me a friend. This was a surprise.

She had not communicated with me since she asked for my advice on 17 August 2018, one month earlier. I had last written to her on 1 September 2018.

However, her request for my advice was friendly, and my advice was detailed and meant to be helpful. In the interim, I had received no indication from Y or from anyone else that our friendship was over. I felt like my response went above and beyond what she asked of me. So I was surprised to find out that she no longer considered me a friend.

The change in Y’s regard for me was so unexpected, without any apparent reason, I wasn’t even sure whether to take her seriously. I asked her about it for a minute or two. She was cold and terse, and I do not recall getting a good explanation. I may have asked to hug Y a second time after this discussion, but I don’t remember whether she agreed. However, I know that I would not have hugged her a second time if she hadn’t agreed.

The interaction happened in a public place. Rebecca Mark was standing beside Y and, to the best of my knowledge, saw the entire interaction. Susan Potter publicly confirmed that she saw the interaction, but I had not been aware of her presence at the time.

After this, Y’s mood appeared to lighten, and we continued talking.

Later, I spent time exploring the Living Computers Museum with Y. She chose to spend time with me, and she gave me every indication that she was enjoying herself.

I had fun driving a 3D-printed car simulator with Y. I took her photo as she continued in the simulator with someone else. She seemed happy and relaxed. To protect her privacy, I will not share the photo. I asked ChatGPT 5 to describe it.

Description of a photo I took of Y, after we met at Lambda World.

Seattle, 18 September 2018

On the evening of the last day of the conference, at a meetup at the offices of Expedia in Seattle, Y approached me to ask for a chat. We had already spent time together at the event, but had not had a deep, private conversation. I willingly agreed.

We talked in an open booth next to a corridor, and talked for around an hour. Y was clearly upset, and began crying at one point. Other attendees to the meetup almost certainly saw us talking, and may have wondered why she was upset.

She was evidently more upset about our relationship then than she had been on the previous two occasions we met. I tried to explain to her that time would help to heal her sadness, but she appeared to me to be showing some signs of depression. Notably, she mentioned feeling a lack of motivation, and talked about waking up in the morning and immediately feeling sad.

I told her about my own similar experience overcoming a relationship in 2007 and 2008 (when I was around 24). I recognized what she was going through because it seemed similar to what I had been through, and I encouraged her to believe that she would overcome it too. I openly shared this story to show her empathy.

She told me that she “just didn’t understand what changed” since the time I had wanted to be in a relationship with her, and a few days later when I didn’t. It was clear she had spent a lot of time thinking over the short duration of our relationship, and had probably looked for reasons.

My reasons were clear to me then, as they are now. I told her that I did not believe that we would have a successful long-term relationship, and that I did not want it to go on longer than it already had. This explanation was absolutely true, but I was deliberately not any more specific than this.

There were other specific “red flags” for why I did not wish to continue the relationship. These were entirely about Y but I have never shared them with her. It would be unkind, and is unnecessary to share them here now. I believed she would view them as criticisms and would not have received them gladly.

At this point, I told her that I was sorry. I clearly used the words, “I’m sorry,” and did not say them in a casual way. I elaborated that I was sorry I didn’t realize sooner that the relationship was not going to work out, and that I didn’t stop it before it became serious.

Y appeared frustrated and angry, and said, using the exact words, “sorry’s not good enough; what are you going to do about it?”

I gave her no answer, and may have even lifted my shoulders to shrug. I did not have a good response for her, and my gesture may seem insensitive; but I felt it should have been obvious to Y that it was something I could do nothing about.

Third “Incident”, 15 November 2018

Some time after I saw Y in Seattle, I noticed on social media that she announced that she had been offered a job—her first after graduating. Having discussed getting a job on several occasions with Y, an in particular after I advised her about decisionmaking, I was happy to hear this. I recall, without certainty, that the announcement was posted on Facebook, though I do not remember if I interacted with her post. I looked for the post later, and couldn’t find it. It is possible that she removed it or hid it from me, but that is speculation.

Around the same time, Y tried to phone me, apparently accidentally. We had a strange exchange during which she suggested that I had been blocked.

On 15 October 2018, I attended Scale by the Bay in San Francisco. I saw Seth Tisue, who was my friend at the time, talking to Y in a glass-walled booth. I gestured to him, and he appeared to indicate that I could come and join them, so I entered the booth. I recall that I sat down with Mr Tisue to my right, and Y in front of me.

At Scale by the Bay 2018, Seth Tisue and I were having a conversation in a small booth, Jon Pretty physically blocked the door and directed the conversation to a different topic. I was sitting there forced to hear him talk before I could walk away. I was scared to show any negative emotion because I could be seen as crazy and unreasonable. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

I briefly greeted them both and asked how they were, and in a friendly tone, I said to Y, “did I hear correctly that you got a job?” She said, “yes”. She only said the one word. I was surprised that she was so terse. I responded to say, ”Congratulations! Where are you working?” and she didn’t answer the question. I believe she may have asked me, “why do you want to know?” in a tone I found hostile, and I struggled to answer. I had talked in great depth with her about jobs and working with Scala over the previous months, and I wanted to wish her well in her career. I felt like she deserved congratulations.

I didn’t persist because it was clear that she did not want to be having the conversation. It was excruciating for me, and I remember thinking that Mr Tisue (who was present for the entire short conversation) would have been confused by it. So I left quickly.

Later on at the conference, Y approached me and told me that she was angry that she had to “watch me walking” down the corridor adjacent to where she was presenting with a woman who was helping me prepare for the “unconference”, which I was responsible for. (The venue had open corridors which ran alongside the area where presentations were given.) She asked me, “why did you have to walk past with her?” (or similar words) referring to the woman I was with.

However, it was necessary for us to take that corridor at that time in order to get to the room. She finished by saying, “don’t ever do that again,” or something similar.

Fourth “Incident”, 16 November 2018

After the conference, on 16 November 2018, I was invited by Jakob Odersky to join him and his father, Martin Odersky, Stewart Stewart and some other people for a group dinner at 1601 Bar & Kitchen in San Francisco. I accepted the invitation. I did not know that Y would be present when he invited me.

After the conference, he joined a group dinner that I planned to attend ahead of time. I broke down in front of Ely in the restroom because his presence triggered so many terrible memories and emotions. Ely helped to arrange me to leave dinner early. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

To the best of my recollection, I arrived at the restaurant with Jakob and Martin Odersky. We sat at a long table with around five seats on each side, and I sat at the opposite end of the table from Y, who arrived before me. I spent the entire evening talking to Jakob and Martin Odersky, Oli Makhasoeva and (to a lesser extent) Mr Stewart.

The table at which we ate dinner, shown at the back of this room in front of the two large windows

I did not interact with Y, or anyone else from her end of the table. I was not aware of Y leaving. However, I have a vague recollection that someone asked me if I had seen her.

No Contact, 19 November 2018

I believed that the passage of time would heal Y’s hurt feelings. But my observation over six months was that instead of coming to terms with it, she became more upset as time passed. She expressed anger towards me more frequently, and even four months after our relationship, she had still cried about it.

I grew more distant from her, both naturally as the intensity of our relationship faded, and because I started a new relationship in October 2018. We barely exchanged any messages after September 2018.

After I saw her at Scale by the Bay in 2018, she messaged me asking to talk to me on the phone. During that call, on 19 November 2018, she told me that she thought it was better if we didn’t ever talk to each other again. I told her that I thought it was not a good way to solve the problem, but I accepted her decision.

Although I disagreed with it, I also believed that it might work for her, and that in time, she might not feel the need to maintain a self-imposed ban on us talking to each other. The conversation was civil, and I respected that she had insisted on a phone call to tell me, rather than sending me a direct message. She blocked me on Facebook Messenger straight afterwards.

Fifth “Incident”, 1 April 2019

I was a speaker at the Northeast Scala Symposium in Philadelphia. I was one of the first to arrive at the event on the morning of 1 April 2019. I entered the reception area, and there were only two people there: Brian Clapper and Y, both sitting behind a desk, waiting to give badges to attendees as they arrived.

At NEScala 2019, he stopped by the registration desk, where I was helping Brian Clapper, and tried to speak to me. I ignored him by looking away. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

Brian was my friend at the time, and this was the first time I had seen him since we had met for dinner at a conference in Lyon, about four months earlier. We had both enjoyed the dinner in Lyon, I was happy to see him in Philadelphia.

Despite Y’s request not to talk to her, I needed to receive a blank badge and write my name on it, so I greeted both Mr Clapper and Y, together. That is to say, I made a single greeting or “hello” or similar, which was deliberately addressed towards both of them. Only Mr Clapper replied.

I momentarily looked at Y, and she turned away. This was all she needed to do to tell me clearly that she did not want to talk to me, and nothing I said for the remainder of the conversation was addressed at her; I spoke only to Mr Clapper after that. I stayed for long enough to write my name on my badge, return my pen and to finish my conversation with Mr Clapper.

I deliberately avoided Y for the rest of the conference. I did this because she had made it clear to me that she did not want to talk to me, and I wanted to respect that. The only interaction I had with her was to jointly greet her, and to momentarily look at her.

I felt like I was offering Y an easy “off-ramp” from her decision not to speak to me, in case she had changed her mind. I find it burdensome to avoid someone and to maintain the ongoing effort to keep avoiding them. We had had no contact whatsoever for four months, and I thought that there was a chance her feelings towards me might have become more relaxed. I thought that giving her this opportunity to respond to my friendly greeting—or not—was a way to show her that she could rescind her decision painlessly.

I was a speaker at the event, and I cannot believe that Y was not aware that I would be arriving at the conference. The reception desk was a bad place for someone who wanted to avoid me to wait, whereas I—an attendee—couldn’t avoid passing through it. I could have turned around and left immediately, but doing so would have been inexplicable to Mr Clapper. I could have addressed only Mr Clapper when I said “hello”, but that might have appeared bizarre and rude. There was little I could have done other than what I did.

Nobody else was present, but it would be difficult for any bystander to witness the encounter as anything but innocuous. Mr Clapper did not appear to notice anything unusual about Y’s behavior, and he and I had a normal conversation. However, Y described it in her statement as if my behavior had been extraordinary.

Online Communication, 11 September 2019

After Y told me that she did not want to have any contact with me, I did not start any interactions with her on social media. However, on 11 September 2019, she quoted one of my tweets, criticizing it.

Since Y initiated the interaction, despite her request for no contact, I felt justified in responding to defend my position. Another user commented, and I responded to him. Y responded again, and I again replied to her.

Twitter interaction initiated by Y.

I did not understand why Y chose this moment to highlight one of my tweets, or why she chose this particular tweet. It was nevertheless apparent that she remained angry with me, despite having had no contact for over five months.

This was the last online interaction I had with Y.

Sixth “Incident”, 13 November 2019

I attended Scale by the Bay in Oakland on 13 November 2019. On the first morning of the conference, I noticed Adelbert Chang sitting at a table, and he saw me. He raised his hand to wave at me, and I waved back. My first instinct was to walk over to him to greet him. He had spoken at my conference two months earlier, and I would have enjoyed catching up.

At Scale by the Bay 2019, Adelbert Chang and I were sitting by a table at lunch, he walked towards us. Adelbert is one of my friends who I shared with about what happened. Knowing that I did not want him approaching me, Adelbert asked him to chat somewhere else. Y, My experience with sexual harassment in the Scala community

I noticed that Y was sitting at the table with him, as well as one or two other people. I believe that one of the others was Long Cao. When I saw that Y was also present, I immediately recalled our recent Twitter interaction and my second instinct was to keep walking, and speak to Mr Chang another time.

But in that moment, I reconsidered: I decided it was silly to avoid Y just because she showed hostility towards me online. I thought that it was better to use the opportunity to show her that I would still be friendly and kind in spite of this. So I walked over to their table, sat down among them, and greeted them all in a friendly way.

I started talking to Mr Chang, but after just a few words, he asked me if I would like to get some breakfast. This was a conspicuous diversion in the conversation, and it was immediately obvious to me that Mr Chang was communicating that he wanted me to go somewhere else. I thought that the most likely reason was that he knew Y did not want to speak to me, and had guessed that she didn’t want me there. Since the initiative was his, I didn’t know if Y agreed with it or not—but this didn’t matter: whether she didn’t want me there, or whether he thought she didn’t want me there, were both good reasons to leave.

I replied to Mr Chang to say that I had already eaten, but “let’s go somewhere else”. I hoped that he would understand from this response that I understood his request, and I was leaving willingly when I didn’t need to.

We moved to the breakfast area, and stood by a window overlooking Lake Merritt, and talked about Mr Chang’s recent weightlifting progress, which he had been documenting on Instagram.

Remorse

I knew from very early on that it had been a mistake to start a relationship with Y. I considered it a mistake not because I wouldn’t have the happy relationship I had been hopeful for, but because ending it hurt Y.

Yet I could never have foreseen the depth of Y’s hurt as a consequence of that breakup, and I felt responsible for having caused it.

In the months afterwards, I felt like the best remedy was to continue to be a good friend to Y; to continue to help her and advise her when she asked; to show her that I was just as supportive after our relationship as I had been before.

I felt that this was also the only decent thing to do, and I felt that having been intimate with her made her forever a significant person in my life, and someone whose wellbeing I cared about. And although I apologized in words more than once, I always believed it was more important to demonstrate my remorse with my actions. And this is what I tried to do.

I have never had any difficulty offering an apology upon realizing that I have erred. I consider mistakes and regret to be a normal part of life, which teach us to do better the next time we find ourselves in a similar situation. I have written apologies in the past when I have recognized my mistakes and the impact they have had on someone. And I have felt relief for having done so.

I knew my mistake and the impact it had on Y. And I not only told her, but also tried to show her that I was sorry.

Addendum

8 September 2025 The conference Lambda World was corrected from LambdaConf.

My Request

If you signed the Open Letter in 2021 because you found Y’s publication compelling, please reconsider her words in light of the evidence above.

Her post was hugely damaging to me. The complete absence of due process meant that none of her claims were ever verified with me before they were published.

If, like many others, you feel like justice may not have been rightly served, you can make a meaningful step towards helping me get my life back by removing your name. I am grateful for your consideration.

❧